


The Mysterious Wharfstache Disappearances

by LilacMiracle



Series: Buzzfeed Unsolved/Markiplier Cinematic Universe (MCU) [1]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Who Killed Markiplier? (Web Series)
Genre: Fake Episode, Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:35:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22750348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilacMiracle/pseuds/LilacMiracle
Summary: “This week on BuzzFeed Unsolved we are investigating the now-infamous mystery of the Wharfstache Disappearances.”The screen had shifted from the title card to show the co-hosts at their desk, with Ryan on the right of the screen and Shane on the left.“Named after the sole survivor of the events that led up to these disappearances, this enigmatic case has puzzled investigators for nearly a century.”
Series: Buzzfeed Unsolved/Markiplier Cinematic Universe (MCU) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1635757
Comments: 13
Kudos: 91





	The Mysterious Wharfstache Disappearances

**Author's Note:**

> Quotation marks are Ryan narrating, bold is Shane speaking, italics are Ryan speaking

The video opens on the visual of a lone light bulb swinging into frame, illuminating the word “UNSOLVED,” which is stylized in a way that makes it appear to be stamped on. Almost immediately after the light bulb becomes still, the word “BuzzFeed” appears over the “UNSOLVED,” and beneath both of these is the caption “True Crime,” and neither of these new additions are written in any kind of stylized font. An animated piece of tape appears in the corner of the screen, with the words “WHARFSTACHE DISAPPEARANCES” written on it in the same sort of aesthetic as the “UNSOLVED.”

“This week on BuzzFeed Unsolved we are investigating the now-infamous mystery of the Wharfstache Disappearances.”

The screen had shifted from the title card to show the co-hosts at their desk, with Ryan on the right of the screen and Shane on the left. 

“Named after the sole survivor of the events that led up to these disappearances, this enigmatic case has puzzled investigators for nearly a century.”

**Quite the doozy, this one is. An enigma, you say?**

_There are so many weird things in this case that I nearly put it in “Supernatural.”_

**Wow. Really?**

_Really._

“On the evening of October 10, 1920, four guests were invited to the Iplier Manor for an informal poker night. Those present at the party at the time included the Colonel, William Barnum, and the host, Mark Iplier. The enigmatic identities of the second, third and fourth guests is only the first of many bizarre mysteries surrounding this case.”

**We are wasting no time. Getting right into the weird.**

“We know that the second guest at this ‘poker night’ was, in fact, the District Attorney. However, all official records that mentioned the DA had their name completely redacted, as well as any photographs containing their face had that part destroyed. All information that could lead to their identity has been obliterated.”

**Just...gone?**

_Gone._

**Poof.**

_(laughter)_

“Something similar affected the identities of the third and fourth guests, though not nearly as severely. The third guest, a Detective, had his last name redacted, though we know that he went by 'Abe.' The fourth guest, the Mayor, also had his last name completely redacted. We know his first name, Damien, and that he had a twin sister, Celine.”

_All of these names will become important later._

“On October 11, witness testimonies state that Celine, Damien’s sister, entered the Manor."

**Why?**

_We’ll come back to that in theories._

“On October 13, the Colonel, now calling himself Wilford Wharfstache, reported to a local police station to 'find where Damien was hiding.' He led police back to the Manor, where they found no evidence of anyone living there, instead finding what appeared to be a crime scene, along with suspicious blood-like stains in some areas of the house.”

**Crime scene? Caution tape, everything?**

_Yes. There was an outline of a body on the floor, and the area was surrounded by caution tape._

**What????**

“After the police had searched the house, finding no one, they further questioned the Colonel. They arrested him after he had stated, ‘I thought I killed Mark, but it was all a joke! Did you find Damien yet? He must have been behind this...’ along with other ‘suspicious comments.’“

**Just a prank, bro.**

_(wheeze)_

“Now let’s get into the theories.”

“The first and most widely accepted theory, put up by police, is that the Colonel killed the other four members of the party, and Celine.”

**I feel like we’re gonna get some stuff saying “Oh yeah, here’s ten reasons why it was definitely him.”**

_He makes a compelling case._

“When he was interviewed prior to his arrest, he told police that he shot and mortally wounded Iplier, the Detective, and the DA. Allegedly, Damien and Celine ‘disappeared,’ into a room that was described as ‘dressed up for a séance.’ No such room was found.”

**He admits to killing three people, but not these other two people that he definitely murdered? Like, “I killed all these people, but I don’t want these guys’ blood on my hands.”**

_“I know! I’ll say they disappeared into a spooky room.”_

**“The police’ll never see it coming!”**

**_(both laughing)_ **

“However, the Colonel was not charged with the quintuple murder. Instead, he was placed in an asylum, due to many police officers and psychologists stating that he was insane.”

**He killed five people! Of course he’s crazy!**

_Yeah, but..._

“When asked why he believed that the events had been a joke, he stated that he had shot the DA, but they _came back to life_ and walked away.”

**Yeah, that’s insanity. I can see that. Why was he even there hours later?**

_The police asked him that too. He actually said, and I quote, “to make sure they didn’t disappear.”_

**That’s definitely crazy right there.**

“He also had motive for the murders. Iplier, his first victim, had long been one of his best friends, but they didn’t speak for years after Iplier had caught his wife, Celine, cheating with the Colonel.”

**A murderer and a homewrecker.**

_Not good._

**Not good.**

“They hadn’t even been civil to each other at the party, according to reports from the butler, Benjamin.”

**Wait, wait, wait. Now there’s a butler?**

_He wasn’t really important, all he did was watch the events. He refused to talk about it._

**But he was a witness!**

_He refused to give any reports on what happened, only a few details._

**Unbelievable.**

“All of this culminated in a game of Russian Roulette. The gun reportedly used was the Colonel’s own revolver, which, when investigated, showed signs of tampering.”

**So it wasn’t an accident.**

_Nope._

**Definitely murder.**

“He also had a motive for killing the Detective and the DA. A room was found in the house that was likely used by the Detective to investigate who had committed the murder, with a piece of paper found within the typewriter, with the words 'The Colonel did it' typed repeatedly over the entire sheet.”

**Sounds like this Detective had a few screws loose himself.**

_He was known for being a bit...eccentric, but he was one of the best detectives of the time._

“Additionally, the DA was the Detective’s partner in the investigation, as told by the butler and the chef -”

**Are there any more people you haven’t told me about?**

_Just the gardener, and he doesn’t do anything._

“And a photograph of the Detective and who can be assumed to be the DA was found in the Detective’s wallet, along with other photos of himself with known partners of his.”

**I’m guessing the DA’s face was gone?**

_Yup._

**Also -- just wondering -- is “Damien’s sister” Celine the same as “Mark’s wife” Celine?**

_Yes._

**So he killed her out of jealousy.**

_Let me read the theory before you spoil it, jerk!_

“His motive for killing Celine was that she had married Mark, knowing full well that he loved her.”

**She’s allowed to love other people! Not everything’s about you, Mr. Wharfstache.**

_I mean...this motive is the one that grasps at the most straws. He never acted this sexist previously, and it has been said that he had more respect for women than most other men of the time._

“There has not been any proposed motive for killing Damien, however, many proponents of this theory state that by this point he was too far gone to need a motive.”

**That’s fair.**

_That’s fair._

“The issue with this theory is that no bodies have been found on or near the property. The most evidence of there being any bodies was the makeshift crime scene, which was claimed to be that of Iplier’s.”

**No bodies.**

_Nope._

**Nowhere that he could have hid the bodies.**

_Nope._

**They just went “poof.”**

_Yep._

**Everything’s going “poof” in this case...**

_(wheeze)_

“It also doesn’t cover why, exactly, Celine went to the Manor. She was a self-proclaimed psychic, so some speculate that she sensed a disturbance at the death of her ex-husband.”

**There’s a lot to unpack there. First of all -- ex-husband?**

_She did cheat._

**Yeah, but why would she be keeping psychic tabs on him?**

_Beats me._

**And second of all -- she died, right?**

_Yes. Don’t you dare -_

**Guess she didn’t see that coming.**

_God damn it, Shane._

“The second theory is that the Colonel, with the aid of Celine, murdered four people at the party.”

**No.**

_Wow. Just -- no?_

**No. She’d kill her twin brother? I’ve met twins, man. No way.**

“This theory states that when the Colonel received the invitation to the party, he and Celine planned out how to kill Mark and cover it up - her arrival would keep focus off of the Colonel long enough to cover his tracks, and if people got too suspicious, then she or the Colonel killed them. This theory also explains her disappearance -- she managed to evade police custody and the now-insane Wharfstache.”

**Didn’t her brother disappear with her?**

_Yeah, but he and the Colonel didn’t get along._

**Still no reason to kill your brother.**

“This theory still doesn’t address where the bodies of Iplier, the Detective, the DA, and the Mayor are.”

_This is...a theory. Not a great theory, and not one I agree with, but..._

**It’s a theory.**

_It’s a theory._

“The third theory is that it was, in fact, a joke on the Colonel. Damien was known for his practical jokes, especially the kind that required a lot of planning.”

**They let this guy rot in an asylum?**

_We’ll get to that._

“This theory explains the lack of bodies, due to the fact that nobody died, but it opens up a new question: why would everyone disappear?”

**I can see why the Mayor would. He was probably tired of his job -**

_He had actually just been elected, along with the DA. They had both recently gotten their jobs._

**Then it doesn’t make sense?**

“Some speculate that Mark and Celine both wanted to start their lives over, as both of them had been described as ‘reclusive’ and ‘lonely.’“

**Still doesn’t explain the Mayor and the DA.**

_I know._

“It also explains why the Colonel saw the DA get up after being shot.”

**Not just the ramblings of a crazy murderer?**

_Actually, there was evidence to suggest that he was telling the truth._

**You’re kidding.**

_Nope._

“This is supported by footprints that match the DA’s shoes that led from the spot that Wharfstache claims to have placed the body, all the way out to the grounds, stopping just before the end of the property.”

**That’s weird. Something isn’t right.**

_There’s a reason that this might belong in “Supernatural.”_

**Zombies?**

_(wheeze)_

“This also explains the subsequent escape of Wharfstache from the asylum.”

**He escaped?**

_Yeah, a few days after he was committed. He’s like a ghost story now, with sightings all over the world, spanning even into the modern day. According to a bunch of these, he hasn’t aged a day and is now even crazier than ever._

**I don’t think most of those are him. I think he’s either an old man in a nursing home, or dead.**

_That’s very morbid of you._

**It was a hundred years ago!**

“The fourth and final theory is that there was a demon in the house, killing all of the inhabitants and driving Wharfstache to insanity. Some say that it possessed the body of the DA, which is why they walked off. Some also say that its activity alerted Celine, who went to investigate and was killed along with everyone else. It also explains why Iplier was described as reclusive, even though he was very much a people person before purchasing the Manor; he had been greatly influenced by the demon, who preyed on his young and vulnerable mind. It also explains how and why those names were erased.”

_You seem quiet._

**This feels like a cop-out. It feels like aliens.**

_Can you definitively say that a demon was not involved?_

**No. And I hate that.**

“Whatever events transpired in that Manor, wherever these people disappeared to, is a mystery that will remain...Unsolved.”

The screen shifts to an image of the UNSOLVED logo over a black background. A few moments later, it shifts back to Shane and Ryan.

_The Manor’s a tourist attraction now. The guy who got it in the Iplier’s will, he didn’t want it._

**If that’s gonna be your demonic sacrifice for the season, I’ll go.**

_...okay._

**Author's Note:**

> check out my [tumblr,](https://lilacmiracle.tumblr.com/) so you can look at me bitch about the sequel. there's also out-of-context memes about it.


End file.
